sometimes I just get so mad at my parents. At my dad for being too much of a selfish prick to be apart of this family, at my mom for being too much of a selfish prick to act like she's not resentful that she has to stay here and be with us, and at my dad's wife for sending out weekly e-mails of all the family oriented christmas shit they've been putting together as a family.
I get mad because my relationship with my family, and especially my sister, is complicated and sometimes having a boyfriend is almost impossible.
I get mad because other people have so much family, and so much love in their lives, and so many people who just want them, who want to be around them, and I really only have my sister.
I get mad because I hate getting jealous of what other people have, and I don't like feeling sorry for myself. I hate thinking things like, 'why do I have to be at home every night with my sister and not go out to my boyfriend's mom's house to have dinner while my mom is partying in Nashville and pursuing her completely egotistical 'music' career and my dad is making Christmas ornaments with his new family?'. I hate not appreciating what I have, and all those feelings mix together into this big stream and then I'm on my period and its three hours before my last final and I can't get it together enough to study and I'm crying like a boy in preschool who has just dropped his birthday cake.
Christmas is so hard for us. I can already feel it coming on, with everything thats missing and everything thats there, its so fucking big. I used to torture myself every year by watching 'Its a Wonderful Life' because my dad and I used to watch it every year, and somehow I would just watch it and cry and think about how he must not love me anymore, but I think I'm done with that this year.
But then, I absolutely know, in my heart of hearts, that spending all day speaking in English accents and sleeping by the fire with my sister and watching EVERY Harry Potter movie in a week is more than a lot of people have. Its more than I had this time last year.
I know also that any guy who can't understand how important my sister is to me and how important family in general is to me is not going to be good for me in the long run. Its just so hard to spend all my time alone or looking after someone else. I really feel so much older than I am, and there is so much pressure here.
And, in all honesty, I could have left last night and gone to Josh's, but I can't stand the thought of leaving Savannah all alone, especially when she's sick and everything.
All these feelings of my father come and go, like waves. One day I feel that he is just as selfish as my mother, that its just as much his fault as hers that I didn't go to school for four years or that no one was ever home to care for us. The next day I will feel all his guilt and pain upon me, like he's extending his hand to us and he just can't quite reach. I guess both are true, and none are my fault.
I get mad when people judge me, or really my sister when they really don't understand everything that has happened in our lives. I think that having a hard experience like that can really help you to let go of your judgment of others, once you get past those first reactions of extreme anger at almost everyone (who said the learning process was perfect).
It has its joys and its sorrows, but I guess thats life. And its way better than the life I was leading last year, drinking every night with or without my friends. Its much better. I felt so happy last night falling asleep. I really did.
