warlocks and director's cuts

they are sanguinary
murderous and cruel
in that way that only cute boys can be.
conversely, when thinking of all the problems
that would arise
I hate him already
My mind is like a spinning top
spewing the drops of liquid miasma
occupying it at the present moment
I wish I could kill it.

boys, boys, boys

The damned truth is that
I could spend my whole life
riding the ups and downs
of crushing on boys.
They hurt me unwillingly
I'm sure of it
I expect too much of those little things
and too little of the big ones.
I'm too fucked up for him
and every him knows it.
I'm just distracting myself anyway.
Although life is boring, friends
The most painful part about it
is seeing ourselves for what we really are.
Who would want to do that, anyway?

whole families clad in red
walk arm in arm down the sunny path
heads snapshots football plays

your heart is a web
you bundled me up
in your little tricks

my heart is an oyster
with no pearl
just a runny tongue inside
I hide like a wound

biology and the french whale.

The school of them
crashing in the wake
of the one I fished out
of the big bowl on the mantle
thinking I could choose one
thinking I knew how to use one
instead of drifting down
to crack my head open on the brick hearth
and flood surrounding regions with a deep sea
of unruly thought.

chat

KB: I love you.

E Engel: i love you too. what should we do?

KB: make babies, probably.

E Engel: i bet we can do it on gmail

KB: good answer.

E Engel: i hope the name I picked out for our baby isn't taken. I want it to be named DMBfan69.

he wants me back. and that is not what I want.

its not just a matter of me. How can I go on with my pretentious wants- I want to get drunk and fool around with Aubrey Bonowitz, I want to have friends, I want to be single, I want to do stupid childish things - when he is there, and all he wants is me? How can I go on, carefree and somewhat lonesome, when he is there, crying on the floor and guilt-tripping me with the fact that he is going to drop out of university because I broke up with him? I can't. Its just too hard. I tried to be nice, I tried to just cut it off when I realized it was bad and not draw it out, fight-picking and bitching for three months till I felt like I had provoked him to a point of justification.
The problem is he is so manipulative and he doesn't know it. We are all manipulative, but he is bad. His whole adventurous future is standing on my shoulders, and I have to act like I want him bad enough to put up with it until he is stable, has his own friends, is going to counseling, is somewhat independent.
I doubt that will ever happen though. I don't think the nature of our relationship allows him those things. I think it is just me and him, and thats all he wants. Why else would he run away when we are supposed to play racquetball with other people? Why else would he refuse to go out, refuse to see anyone at all?

I wish I knew what it is I want from him. How can it be so simple as I imagine it to be but so important? I wish I knew what was fair, what was right of me. Not only what was right, but what was worth it. Is it right that I want him to just take over sometimes, to just let it all out in front of me, to say that he's sorry, even if I am being silly about it? Why do I want him to do it? Is it fair of me to expect that, even if I just told him flat out that that was what I wanted the night before? But he can't just do that. He can't be wrong.Why? Is it fair, also, that I want him to just be emotionally available, to open with me, when in the past I was the one who hurt him? Is it fair of me to want him to stop lying, to fucking reach out to me, why am I always the one reaching? Why am I always the one creating the small moments, with our heads underneath the pillow and the soft voices? Is it true that I am just making myself available to him then, that he is always there, waiting? Is it true that I just have more power than he does, that I can't be molded like he can?

I have decided some things.

I think a lot of the pain and suffering people feel when they are my age and younger (the 18-31 group) is in the fact that you change your whole conception of who you are around completely. Your threshold for what is entertainment, what is fulfillment, what is worthwhile all has to change. You have to become satisfied with the fact that your primary conversation and gratification will come from primarily one person. You have to be gloriously entertained by dancing butt-naked in front of the TV while your significant other is watching it just to make a weird noise with your butt-cheeks.
Change is always hard, but I think it has become even harder for every generation since television spread en masse over the technological world, and harder for every consecutive generation since then. The curves and splendor of the themes most celebrated in television and cinema have ratcheted themselves into our brains so hard that they can sometimes only be shaken out with mental illness. Think about it: who wants to happy with mediocre domestic bliss? With mediocrity? With sadness? With pain?
No one. Its fucking unfashionable.
The very structure of televised story telling cuts life down to its most exciting bits, cutting from one moment to another in two or three minutes. People are always in a state of meeting each other, making first impressions, or falling in love, causing us to want to always be meeting new people, making first impressions, or falling in love. As some poet who later killed himself said, "The truth is painful, life is boring, my friends." Or something to that effect. One of Rita Dove's friends. But life is only boring if you are bored with what it is, if you expected it to be a party and really it is just you getting older every year, sitting in the dining room with your dog and your mom's girlfriend. Don't freak out.