I'm trying so hard to be strong about it, strong to be hard about it, to know that I can want what I want until I'm done wanting it, that it will pass but its hard. its hurting. i don't know why its so bad. I don't know why i fell so hard for him. i don't know. i don't know if i can even see him tomorrow. i don't know if i can do anything. i can hardly keep myself from texting him right now a bunch of bullshit about how nobody's perfect but i just want him in my life. which is true. it doesn't need to be said, and i wish i could just get back to feeling okay with being along but suddenly my entire being is consumed in feeling like the only point to all this is something real like that, something like when i was near him, something like him, something frenzied to the point of madness. something stupid. i just want him. and i want him to know that i want him, and i keep coming down harder and harder on me and syd's words are running through my head like a slow sad song, people do what they want, so he must not want me. the thought that he doesn't want me is the worst one; i can go on thinking about everything relatively painlessly, desire is less painful than rejection, self-denial is easier than denial, superiority is more conceited than the nastiness of inferiority.

there are no promises of
time spent with me sober
but i'm still fucked up about it
there's no real fault, no foul has been committed
but i'm still fucked up about it
there has been no dishonesty, he never lied
its not for lack of shame, no lack of self-awareness
but i'm still fucked up about it
the hours between
when he said he'd call and now
are not a shock.
But I'm still fucked up about it.

my work is my family
my family are my lovers
and i am finally
finally
cured.
The skies above are blue
At last.