Hey Hey Hey,
What are you doing? Do you have your bush pilot's certification yet? Or are you taking a more culinary approach? Is Colin Foster still alive?

Yeah but he's a total fag. Also he has become one of those drunken assholes who picks fights. I am nothing but a junk mail receiver these days nils. Where ya been? What are you doing in the summer? I have to go to fucking group therapy now. Catch you later.

Ahhhh!
Well if Colin's a fag, then fuck him. I hate fight picking, drunk douches! Still up in VT doing the pizza thing. Working a bit at a summer camp nearby this summer. You should totally skip out on AR and join the amazing ranks of VT for the summer! Lot's of trees, swimming and good people! What the hell are you in group therapy for? Tell me some stuff and lose the junk. I think I'm gonna hang a hammock in my room in the spirit of summer...
Much Love,
Nils


for my anxiety disorder (isn't that great? I have my very own disorder now) it is recommended that I go to group and mano i mano each week. I'll be in Nova Scotia for the summer and the mediterranean, maybe we could somehow possibly see eachother maybe. Somehow. 
Don't Much Love Me Just Because I Have to Go to Group Therapy,
Kara

You can't tell me where I put my love you sassy cunt! So, you're anxious eh? Well, at least you'll stay on your toes and always be ready for arbitrary raptor attacks... Or the second coming of Jesus... Nova Scotia again? For the farming I imagine. I support your decision, yet demand that you stop in VT on your way. If you choose not to visit me, I will call the mounted police and fabricate an elaborate story involving you and a meth lab. So, you now have my ultimatum. Besides the anxiety, how has UofA been? 
Puppies, Pink Fuzzy things, Atari game consoles, the smell of gasoline, Catholic Priests and oh yeah MUCH LOVE,
Nils

but okay I'll visit you. It may be that I will be going by way of spain, so spare me your nagging if I'm a little late. And why the fuck can't you visit me? We'll both get to eat better food and I'm sure you'll be wanting a break from your housewifing. I really am always ready for raptor attacks, but they're planned, you see. For some reason all the raptors are out to get me. And Jesus, although last time my peeps got him first. The U of A is better than I thought, although people are stupid and friendly, which I expected. The classes are good though. 
Your Mounts Will Never Find Me Bitch!
Kara

well oh well, spain eh? what's in spain? well i guess plenty of things are in spain, but why are you going? You have to visit me because VT is between AR and Nova Scotia. It geometrically-sensical... I actually have a plan right now to be in Memphis at teh beginning of May for a music fest, so if you feel like coming to memphis, I'll be there for like 4 days methinks... But otherwise I expect to see you in the Green Mountains just south of Canada..
On another note, stupid and friendly seem to go hand in hand in the South. Especially in AR. A man from Texas approached my friends and I at the bar the other night and terrified my friends with his light humour and southern hospitality... I forgot how creepy it is... My Mounties are very good. Don't doubt them. I have a man on the inside...
I miss the honky-tonks, dairy queens and 7-11's,
Nils

Oh yeah but you said to tell you stuff-
I sometimes lay awake at night and wonder why I am even alive. I can't sleep. I've had one full blown panic attack, and I cry daily. I read something they passed out at the last group though and it at least got me thinking about my life instead of just dreading it. Cheesily enough, it was called Rights and Responsibilities. I need to not watch TV, ever, because it makes me feel really depressed and angry. I freak out about alot of stuff and feel really useless in terms of my whole jeus complex of coming down here to 'save my family'. What the fuck was I thinking? That they needed saving? I worry about my mother's legs getting cut off (diabetes) in ten years and having to take care of her, one stupid life event after another. I feel differently about my life than I did when I was younger, but my brain is developing into the drippy selfishness of a suicidal maniac. I'm serious. I have caught myself thinking about how much better off I would be if it all just stopped, if all of this would just go away, all my memories of jesse crying on the couch in a little ball of pain and my morbid fantasies of us all just dying and suffering slowly, in some sort of disaster of nazist regime, if I could just escape everything. This one is not for you nils. I won't send you this one.

But I'm too full to swallow my pride.

but I have to get to texas
said I have to get to texas
and show the world my blue dress
cowboys and snakes they are my kin
they are my kin

she was a january girl
never let on how insane it was
in that tiny kind of scary world
by the woods by the woods by the woods

"It could be a continuing state of sadness and it could lead to suicide."
What am I doing with myself? How can I tell someone that I'm having suicidal thoughts? Life is too hard for me, poor fucking me. Is that what I'm supposed to say? I guess you should go in and make an appointment for yourself, I just can't imagine how it's going ot make anything better, how is it going to make my life different, how is it going to make my mom stop lying about everything, the pills wrapped in toilet paper, vibrating from her daily spiritual talks about sobreity, all the little fucking secrets, and savannah eating bread for dinner, her math homework all wrong, the little cigarette butts in her desk, spreading ashes all over pictures of her little friends. How is an appointment going to keep me from going home and feeling like shit everyday in that sunny little house? How is it going to help me avoid those daily hours of sacrificial bullshit everyday?

father's father

What am I supposed to do with my father? I am so debilatated by all of this pain and I don't know what to do with it. How do I deal with him, how do I talk to him, when I hate him so much, when so obviously just wants to use me to get back at my mom or whatever. I can't see anything real in him whatsoever. So what do I do, and how am I supposed to feel about it? Can I just sever him or something? Is that really possible? What about just writing letters for the rest of my life? How can I take him seriously, see him without a mask of stupidity when I have to see him doped up on coke every week and a half? Who is this person, and why is he my responsibility?

so lonely

Now no one's knocked upon my door
for a thousand years or more
all made up and nowhere to go
welcome to this one night show
just take a seat they're always free
no surprise no mystery
in this desert that I call my soul
I always play the starring role.

february 2005

Jesse laying on the couch
like a little ball of fear
and his face is like nothing
like he has absolutely disappeared
and you scream and you fight and you yell about something that isn't right
but it doesn't help you three years later when you're still crying in your bed trying to catch your breath.
You don't feel like a hero then, do you?
Nope. and what do you have to show for it? You are nothing.
You haven't felt a goddamn thing since February 2005 and there's no hope in sight
no stable little family life at the dinner table
there's still too much shit to deal with in the light of day to even get any sleep over your failed adolescent performance
the third act
the prestige is all rotten.
But its okay. We don't have to feel anything anyway.
You have just been a bad actress all these years.
The problem is I go between wanting to spend my life in France, planning it all out in the day, to all my suicidal thoughts at night. And people always ask me,
How did you come out all right?
Well, I didn't.
I can't feel anything folks.
I can't feel anything except when writing about february 2005.
You know, they always say suicide is a cry for help, but when I think of it, all I can imagine is the sweet excellence of nothingness. Absolute escape.