I think I might be losing my mind, and I have to keep it a secret.

I stayed up all last night thinking. Sometimes I have to do that. I started out feeling really bad and thinking that the whole reason any of this started with N is because I got drunk, and everything that is coming to me is my fault because of that. And then again, I got drunk. And it happened again.
So I was beating myself over the head with that, but honestly I've been to too much therapy now to keep doing much of that. I should know at this point that there is something wrong with me, and that I can do something about it.
The truth of the matter is that these last two months for me have been really effing hard. Everynight I would come home and be pissed off at my mom for something or other. She left me with her kid, and not only did it make me mad, it was cutting me off from having a life. This I didn't realize until just recently. When I went on the trip, I had the time of my life. On the way back, I wanted to jump out of the car and never come back to Arkansas. So that was a big thing on my mind.
And then N was being a complete nancy pants. This was far more upsetting than it should have been, and thats because I don't have a life. I don't have a normal twenty something life. I don't hang out with people my age. I mostly hang out with a teenager who is constantly pissed at me and beat myself up over school. For a while I thought I could make this work. I don't think I can. Obviously not, because I am falling the fuck apart.
Its not so much that N is the best thing that ever happened to me. Its that it brought to light how much the rest of my life is kinda sucking. I look at other people's lives at my age and all I see is roommates and nights out on the town, and I feel like I'm an outsider, I got gypped. I suck and it sucks. I feel like its never going to happen for me. I'm never going to be able to have a boyfriend, or silly roommates that I love, or just friends that I hang out with all the time. Because I spend all my time here, taking care of someone that isn't mine.
And all that gets mixed up with N. It all feels like its me, and it feels like so much more of a let down because I'm so cut off from the rest of life. I mean yeah, he's the bees' knees, but he's also a scaredy cat who's never going to commit and I know that.
I just wish it wasn't so hard for me to let go of the idea. I wish he would let me let go of the idea. Is it wrong for me to ask for clarification? Is it wrong for me to want to know? Is it wrong for me to want to hang out with a guy who wants to hang out with me? F my life.