Chez Moi

I'm so happy to be moving out. Its been so long since I had my own space, and its been way too long since I had the space and privacy to have a daily practice, I hope it materializes. I'm really worried about my mom and S. This morning I was lying in bed, trying to sleep again before the alarm went off and I thought of the time I drug S out of a hot tub and she came up, spitting up water and crying. I couldn't go back to sleep.
Its strange how when you fix something, when you're there for someone at just the right time, it doesn't make you feel better about yourself, or the world, or the event that could have happened. I don't, anyway. It just brings me nearer to it when I think of it, makes me feel worse for here that she had such inattentive parents, and that I, a skinny eight year-old, was the only thing around to pull her out. I feel that way now, like a poor excuse for a parent. I am soo frightened by the distant future of parenthood. I don't know if I'll ever really be able to do it.

Au contraire, I'm looking forward to having a place for Savannah to come to when she needs to get away from mom, where we can hang out without mom being around. I hope that actually happens. I'm just really, really, excited about school this year, having my own space. I think I can really make it work much easier, being able to walk to class, living without TV, having a desk, the whole set up. Maybe I'll get a cheap laptop. Maybe I'll be indubitably happy.