1) I show great dedication to my work and to this group.
2) I value my family, and love them.
3) I'm loyal.
4) I'm mature.
5) I take care of the people that I love.
6) Honestly, I'm too good for all of this, and to avoid further madness, I should just stay away, stay the hell away from him, which will be easy, for the most part. Its the sleeping part, the feeling of something being taken away, thats the part that I don't know if I can handle. I have taken all necessary precautions, I have deleted all evidence in my phone. I have planned to go to meetings, I have planned to speak up. I have spoken up. I have felt better, temporarily. I have told myself that this is not the last time I will feel this way, and that hopefully next time it will be for someone who actually means it when they say that I am flawless, that I am exactly what they are looking for, someone who kisses me like that.
7) The problem is that part of me feels that, in spite of the above, it won't happen again. I will not feel this way for someone for another 6 or 7 years, that it will be fuck and run until I'm so empty and shallow that I won't be able to stand myself anymore. Part of me feels that I don't deserve even the torture that I have gotten, and that I should take whatever pain comes along with it, take it, as the price for being with someone who makes me feel worth something in the first place.
8) That is so silly, obviously. I shouldn't be with someone who doesn't make me feel like the lowliest piece of shit on the planet because that person sometimes, in the recent past even, makes me feel special.
9) I don't remember what nine was, but
10) I guess I just don't have faith in myself or the people in my life to fill that nasty hole inside of me. I guess I'm scared that I will continue to feel this horrid emptiness for months. Who's to say? If I'm crying everynight over some asshole I met three weeks ago maybe I'm more of a weakling than I thought. Bluh.