Je suis desolee, mes amis (comme tout le monde ecoute).
What I was getting to, with that poorly ended last post, is that my stress level is very high, these days, and stress is the cause of all of this. I have come to this theory: all my previous theories, involving my lacking of value, my lacking of self, my lacking of ability, of humanity, of clarity; that I am heartless, that I am a bad person, that I am a genius, that I am evil, insane, depressed and addicted to substances, and OCD (that may still be true) are almost all just stuff coming out in the stress wash, the dirty dirty laundry detergent (think tide commercials that are more set up like: "You take the kids to soccer practice- your little man got a grass stain on his shorts- No Problem! You just get over it!") of life.
I'm getting to that point in life where I can no longer feel sorry for myself because my car has broken down or my brother may or may not be going to prison. At this juncture, I am realizing that this is just life. And it kind of sucks. And it probably won't ever get easier. The only thing I can do is the PP: reduce all Possible stresses that I Possibly can.
I know this is Possible because I've done it before. THAT is very encouraging. Je vous presentez: the good life list. I've made this list before. But maybe I can actually do this since I'm getting a one-bedroom apartment away from my family.
1) Regular meditation.
2) Regular sleeping.
3) Regular yoga (and/or exercise).
4) Eating well (lots of fruits and vegetables, miso soup, etc).
5) The boyfriend. The last time I was really peaceful, I was away from my boyfriend. So maybe I should just leanr about a lot of new boundaries and me time. Maybe I can really put myself through being in bed by a certain time every night, and getting up by a certain time. Maybe. This is something I should learn about anyways.
6) Don't Panic (As I'm fucking writing this I'm panicking. What if I just can't do this? What if I do it and it doesn't work? Thats my big fear. What if, because this is a totally different envrionment from my last period of something-like-contentment, it doesn't work at all and I just become totally depressed from being
alone all the time? School is like that, folks. School can be like that. Hopefully my fun-filled job will save me from all of that).
9) I don't remember what nine was, but
8)No smoking/ very limited drinking. I feel fanfuckingtastic when I don't smoke or drink and I eat well. This is key.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment