it shouldn't be this big of a deal. i should have just asked him to do something for me, i was close enough. but he didn't really want to, and i was kind of mad about him not even attempting to go down. i'm tired of hearing excuses now. the thought of being used really really hurts. once you do something enough times, it doesn't really matter what you say afterwards. a person gets the feeling that they're not important, and it gets harder and harder to be okay with that, the less important you are.
its my own fault. i should have just asked him to do something else, but in that moment, when he was feeling it, all i could think of was his selfishness, how it used to be in the beginning. the very thought of it makes me want to cry. its happened to me before. i can feel it coming already.