although things are hard now, although things are especially hard now, good things have been happening, especially in the family realm. I have had a few really good family interactions in the past few weeks. The man-diet is what's killing me (I'm a maneater and I need to stop), bad time. I realize its just my mind, running in circles after things, but in a weird way, thats just making it worse. In knowing that the relationships I want to pursue should not be pursued, I'm actually getting to know someone, in little steps, sort of like a normal beginning of any relationship would go; independent of the obsessive caretaking I would normally indulge and not fanatically acting on my every impulse to drag him in, just sort of prancing along in a light, unattached fashion. This is not who I really am, of course. The problem is that I don't catch every impulse, so its kind of like I just sort of like this guy and he probably knows it but I should (sadly) stay away from him, and I have a feeling this may culminate very tragically if I don't really control myself. It is impossible for me to act like I am totally uninterested, because that's not true, and it is extremely difficult for me to not obsessively engage with this person, but that is what I'm trying to do. It feels very sad (its so hard to not do things that you know will give you that instant high - you reach out and get a reaction, your frontal lobe calls it love and releases endorphins), but I think avoiding the mania that is inherent with pursuit (it should more likely be referred to as "hunt" or "domesticate" in my case) is good for my brain. A lot of this reminds me very much of meditation: I want to do something and I stop myself. This is very hard and frustrating, and sometimes when I do this I see the urge for what it is, just a momentary feeling, not really valuable or real, transient.

The hard part is not hating myself for those things, the hardest part is becoming comfortable with the nature of my mind, which I judge to be worthless, detrimental, shallow when in fact it is not anything. My relationships with other people (namely the fam) have benefited instantaneously with my non judgment of their minds. This has been surprisingly easy, in the large part- I just stop thinking about them, or what makes me mad about them. I stop worrying, I don't inquire further into their problems. There is a certain point when this exercise stops being a relaxing one and starts being a stressor, because I still believe that at some point, if you love someone, you step in to their lives and do something for them they can't do themselves. I believe this to a hazardous extent, and still do not understand the nature of relationships in which this is deserving.